


PS: You Suck

by Ridiculosity



Category: Uprooted - Naomi Novik
Genre: AND SHENANIGANS, Alternate Universe - Bakery, Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Bakery Shop Agnieszka, Bakery and Coffee Shop, F/M, Magic, New Wizarding Administrator Sarkan, Phone Calls & Telephones, Technology, Texting, i changed a lot of the premise to vibe with the times yknow, make of that what you will, phone fic, texting fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-29
Updated: 2020-11-20
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:35:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 7,216
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27262072
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ridiculosity/pseuds/Ridiculosity
Summary: Nevermind that it was positively medieval that she had to leave her home and job to train in a tower in the middle of nowhere. What Agnieszka couldn't contend with was the lack of signal in her phone anywhere in Sarkan's stupid tower. [Modern AU, Texting Fic.]
Relationships: Agnieszka & Kasia (Uprooted), Agnieszka/The Dragon | Sarkan
Comments: 37
Kudos: 38





	1. Monday Morning, October First

**Author's Note:**

> TEXTING FIC IS HERE 
> 
> i have sort of always avoided writing fics like this because,,,,, do you guys know how hard it is to do a setting or like,,, any kind of exposition when the framing device is entirely through texting???? its very hard i have suffered a lot to give you a memeworthy fic
> 
> in any case i had been working on this for a while and THANK YOU TO THE UPROOTED DISCORD for encouraging my nonsense. Special shout out to Carrey!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 
> 
> i've changed a lot of the premise of the original to suit a texting format, so please roll with it. also lots of OCs as well as random villagers from the book will be making cameos in this story because we out here vibing. have fun and be on the look out for when sarkan starts texting because i am so ready to write him like he's writing a 19th century letter to his grandma. 
> 
> Also the chapter sizes are going to be way way WAY smaller in this story than whatever i normally do. this is mostly thanks to the texting format, but y'all will see that soon.

10:30 AM

**Kasha**

Nieshka

NieshKA

**Gremlin Queen**

WHAT

**Kasha**

The new civil officer. The new guy.

**Gremlin Queen**

what about him

**Kasha**

He’s HOT, Nieshka

**Gremlin Queen**

you need your eyes tested kasia

**Kasha**

Agnieszka come on

**Gremlin Queen**

he’s shorter than me my love

**Kasha**

You’re freakishly tall

It doesn’t count

**Gremlin Queen**

you’re a bad friend. and he’s fine, i guess, but im giving up my principles for u

**Kasha**

He looked cute when he arrived, all cross and everything

**Gremlin Queen**

why would a cross boy appeal to you oh my god

**Kasha**

It wasn’t his fault, his train was late and the first person he met was Jerzy and his pigs. I’d be cross if I met Jerzy and his pigs. And he ran into you!! And you didn’t even _apologise_ for toppling him to the ground.

**Gremlin Queen**

i was in a rush! we were both so late for work and he was in my _way,_ kasia

plus u apologised for us

its all good

**Kasha**

You realise you could get into trouble? He’s the wizarding officer for county and you’re already on his bad side.

**Gremlin Queen**

well i have no regrets whatsoever. he got disproportionately angry at me anyway. and you should be manning the counter instead of texting me!!!!!!

**Kasha**

There’s no customers rn. I’m thinking I could make some apple turnovers before evening rush, since we’re running low. Also Sylvie said she’d drop by for a bit after meeting Peter and I want them done before she comes since she likes them.

**Gremlin Queen**

u do that. im going to finish these accounts pages

* * *

11:30 AM

**Mamusha**

Nieshka… can you ask Kasia if she has any more of that strawberry preserve…?

**Gremlin Queen**

ma, didn’t we just take one of her jars of preserve? are we already done with it?

**Mamusha**

Yes

**Gremlin Queen**

oh my god mother. fine, i’ll ask her but im not gonna be happy about it.

* * *

11:32 AM

**Gremlin Queen**

do u have some more preserve by any chance

**Kasha**

No, but I can make some.

**Gremlin Queen**

……………….. i am so sorry but would you? i have a feeling mama wants some more

**Kasha**

Of course I will, Nieshka. You are so silly

**Gremlin Queen**

u know she is taking advantage of you right?

**Kasha**

I don’t mind, your mother is fantastic.

**Gremlin Queen**

nerd

**Kasha**

You’re such a goose, Nieshka

Are you done with the accounting? Can you man the counter? I’ll get started on the apple turnovers _and_ the preserve then

**Gremlin Queen**

im on my way

* * *

12:11 PM

**Kasha**

WHAT HAPPENED

**Gremlin Queen**

aren’t u making turnovers and preserve

**Kasha**

Everything is in the oven, I just have to keep an eye on it

I left for ONE second, Agnieszka and Danka said you’d might as well have insulted the man’s mother

**Gremlin Queen**

well

**Kasha**

What did you do omg?

**Gremlin Queen**

i didn’t do anything kasia

**Kasha**

Then why did he look like he’d swallowed a lemon

**Gremlin Queen**

i may have dropped his order on him

**Kasha**

Agnieszka, honestly

**Gremlin Queen**

i wasn’t trying to! he was turned away from me, and i wasn’t paying attention to him

**Kasha**

Oh my god, Nieshka.

**Gremlin Queen**

i think dropping the order was not as bad as me scolding him for being in my way, and calling him more irritating than anyone ive met, but KASIA I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS HIM, HIS BACK WAS TO ME AND I THOUGHT IT WAS FREDERICK

**Kasha**

Oh my GOD, Nieshka

**Gremlin Queen**

he was! who stands right by the counter like that with their back turned??

**Kasia**

…

Borys is gonna fire us isn’t he

**Gremlin Queen**

also when he fell he had to say “of all the unforgivable village bumpkins.” kasia. kasia who _talks_ like that. it just made me _laugh,_ he must have thought that this witless girl was laughing at him after dropping all of _his_ coffee on _him_. and then he made me so NERVOUS out of nowhere, his lips went all thin the way mama’s do?? you know?? and tHEN I STARTED LAUGHING EVEN MORE

**Kasha**

You’re going to have to apologise

**Gremlin Queen**

i had a horrible feeling you’d say that. fine.

**Kasha**

Make sticky buns.

**Gremlin Queen**

wtf

why

**Kasha**

Peace offering, Agnieszka :D

**Gremlin Queen**

Ugh.

but you have to come over and help me!! the sitckyness never makes sense when i make sticky buns

**Kasha**

Okay, but you _have_ to see him by Wednesday, Nieshka

**Gremlin Queen**

_fine_


	2. Wednesday Evening, October Third

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The upside of tiny chapter sizes: I UPDATE MORE FREQUENTLY 
> 
> The downside: im packing a LOT of action into 1000 words, so you're getting a lot in a bite size but it's also A Lot as it were. 
> 
> ANYWAY THANK YOU FOR THE RESPONSE, SOME CLARIFICATIONS:
> 
> I don't know what messaging service they are using, but i like to imagine something like WhatsApp but one that also has messages like "Message not delivered" to suit the purposes of story telling. The person on the right is the one who's phone we are seeing the story through, in this case, it'll mostly be Agnieszka. yes she has personalised nicknames for all her friends.

_5:00 PM_

**Kasha**

Did you keep the jar of preserve with the buns?

**Gremlin Queen**

i did kasia omfg

**Kasha**

Are you on your way

**Gremlin Queen**

i am and i would reach sooner if u stopped pestering me about it

**Kasha**

Do you know the way to his residence?

**Gremlin Queen**

its literally a tower

what are u expecting me to do

get lost on the way to a tower

**Kasha**

It’s further in the woods than we are used to

Maybe I should have come with you

Maybe you should ask Sylvie to come with you she won’t mind coming

He’s cute but we aren’t sure what he’s like

And it’s getting late

**Gremlin Queen**

what

no

kasha u have to be home right now or have u forgotten your mother asked u for help with natalyas mending

and YOU said hes cute i never did

and also theres nothing he can do that everyone wont instantly know about if i scream loud enough

**Kasha**

He could, though. And that tower is tucked away pretty far.

**Gremlin Queen**

theyre my woods

id like to see him try anything

i know them better than he does

**Kasha**

You’re braver than I am

**Gremlin Queen**

doubtful

but i am stupider and that’s easier

anyway go away now this is a long walk and its not going anywhere if i keep pausing to text you

**Kasha**

Call if anything goes wrong!!!!

*

_6:30 PM_

**Gremlin Queen**

ma, could you turn on the hot water for my bathroom? i need a bath

**Mamusha**

Ok

*

_7:30 PM_

**Kasha**

?? Nieshka???

**Gremlin Queen**

what happened

**Kasha**

You tell me!

**Gremlin Queen**

nothing happened to me

**Kasha**

How did it go then??

**Gremlin Queen**

bah

it went okay i guess

as good as anyone can expect with who i am as a person

hey kasha

am i more of a mess lately or something?

**Kasha**

How do you mean

**Gremlin Queen**

you know

likw

i dunno, i just

how do i tell you this without making it weird

i just got so nervous around him

**Kasha**

In what way?

**Gremlin Queen**

i don’t know how to explain it

but he was so cross and angry

and i mean… like you said, he’s the Wizarding Head or whatever idk

and the minute in which i knocked on his door, i nearly dropped the preserve

there was a jam stain on my skirt he was not happy about either

and i just felt like i was making him very angry

even more than i usually do, i guess?

i gave him the buns and the jam and he said thank you so i suppose he hasn’t lost all his manners

but yeah that was a weird tight rope to walk

**Kasha**

You’re not more of a mess lately, Nieshka

**Gremlin Queen**

says u

**Kasha**

He just sounds… particular

**Gremlin Queen**

wow

even you are having to be diplomatic

maybe i have hope

he liked you btw

**Kasha**

He did?

**Gremlin Queen**

yeah he said you were way politer than i was

and less of a mess

well he didn’t say it but it was inferred

i mean its what i gathered from “your infinitely more well behaved friend”

but i could be wrong since no one this side of the 1900s talks like that so

**Kasha**

LMAO

That’s good?

**Gremlin Queen**

anyway

how was your day

**Kasha**

Mama was being difficult again, but what’s new

**Gremlin Queen**

damn

do u wanna come over tomorrow?

after work i mean

i don’t think borys will mind if we take off early

**Kasha**

Movie and popcorn?

**Gremlin Queen**

and some sticky buns

*

_7:30 PM_

**Vladimir (Yellow Marshes)**

You’ve reached?

**Sarkan**

Yes.

**Vladimir (Yellow Marshes)**

Do you want to have dinner with us? I can’t imagine there’s anything worth eating in that dilapidated shack

**Sarkan**

A local dropped off some zhurek, don’t worry.

**Vladimir (Yellow Marshes)**

Already?

You’re making quite an impression, are you?

**Sarkan**

Hardly. She was the one who caused irreparable damage to my tie, not to mention my wellbeing. The food was an excuse for an apology, but a reasonable one.

**Vladimir (Yellow Marshes)**

Is this the same girl who ran into you on the road and then dropped things on you at the bakery?

**Sarkan**

The very same.

**Vladimir (Yellow Marshes)**

You’re definitely making an impression, Sarkan XD

**Sarkan**

Sure, Vladimir

_Sarkan is typing…_

_Sarkan is typing…_

**Vladimir (Yellow Marshes)**

What have you been typing for the last minute and a half?

**Sarkan**

She’s a witch, the girl.

**Vladimir (Yellow Marshes)**

The one who ran into you?

Oh

Oh, this is very funny

I hope I wasn’t privacy bound, I already told Anna.

**Sarkan**

You’re a nuisance.

It _had_ to be the village idiot, didn’t it?

**Vladimir (Yellow Marshes)**

You can’t imagine you’d like the pretty one to be a witch, would you? Then you might fall in love with her.

**Sarkan**

Because that’s likely.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wanted to make Sarkan the kind of person who saves his friends numbers with last name first name but the book doesn't have surnames :(((( and i am very bad at coming up with surnames or names in general
> 
> i hope you are having as much fun as i am!!! Do review :D


	3. Friday Morning, October Fifth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we have our first PHONECALL in this chapter!!!!
> 
> for the purposes of clarity, italicised speech is Agnieszka, normally formatted speech is Kasia, and underlined speech is Sarkan!!

_10:00 AM_

**Kasha**

Also could you get some walnuts, we’re running low?

**Gremlin Queen**

yea

how much should i get

why has the bulk order not come yet did borys forget to place it

**Kasha**

Aw cut him some slack, he’s been worrying about Sylvie’s wedding

Anyway I think everything should deliver on the seventh

Just get enough for two days of walnut brownies

**Gremlin Queen**

roger

hey do we need more honey as well

**Kasha**

Oh yes!!

**Gremlin Queen**

okay im adding to the list

also mama wanted to thank u for the preserve and also for all your help when you came over

she likes you more than me yknow

**Kasha**

Make yourself more likeable then

**Gremlin Queen**

harsh

see u in a bit

* * *

_10:18 AM_

**Kasha**

Uh

Nieshka

Where are you

**Gremlin Queen**

im at the market

why??

**Kasha**

Um

There’s someone here for you

**Gremlin Queen**

well who is it

if its frederick PLEASE tell him to fuck off

i cant take it if he asks me out again kasha i really cant

**Kasha**

It’s not… him

**Gremlin Queen**

well who then

it’s a tiny village kasia if theres anyone important we’d know them

_Kasia is calling_

_“What the fuck, Kasia?”_

“You have to promise not to freak out.”

_“What is going on? You’re worrying me.”_

“And also not to swear.”

_“I refuse to make any such promises.”_

_“Kasia?”_

_“KASIA?”_

“Hello?”

_“Um… Who is this?”_

“Your friend says you’re at the market getting supplies.”

_“Yes… um – that is, er – sir?”_

“If you can contrive to be in time, I would like to meet you this evening at five.”

_“Uh… sure. What time?”_

“Do us all a favour and listen carefully. Five. I’ll come to the bakery.”

_“Oh, no, that’s okay, I can come to you!”_

“I have business in town. Good morning.”

_“Um.”_

_“Hey, wait, what is this about?”_

_“... Shit, is he gone?”_

“God help you, Agnieszka what did you do _now?”_

_“Nothing! Seriously! Really! I promise!”_

“That did not sound like nothing.”

_“Do you think I gave him indigestion with the zhurek? He seems too uptight to have ever had the spicy kind that mother makes for me.”_

“You took him _zhurek?_ I thought we agreed on buns!”

_“Well I had made some for myself, so I figured why the fuck not, you know? I didn’t know I was going to give him indigestion because I used some chilly peppers.”_

“We don’t know whether it was that, but good god I hope you’re not in trouble. He was walking around like he had a bad taste in the mouth.”

_“Kasia please bury me in the corner of the graveyard by the brambles.”_

“Shut up, goose. Although… Nieshka, run home and bring some clean clothes for yourself. Change five minutes before he comes and look somewhat presentable.”

_“Fuck, you’re right. Okay, I’ll bring something respectable. And come back to the shop ASAP.”_

“Do you want to put a bit of make-up on?”

 _“Kasia you want to paint my face before I meet_ that _dragon?_ _Really?”_

“Gotcha.”

_“See you soon.”_

* * *

_1:30 PM_

**Kasha**

Stop biting your nails

**Gremlin Queen**

what the hell

youre not even here

are you here????? is this your spirit???? do you astral project and man the cash counter even while baking???

**Kasha**

No

And you can’t fool me with your jokes

All of Dvernik can feel your nervousness

What did your mum say btw

Did u tell her he wanted to meet you

**Gremlin Queen**

fuck off

fine i am stopping the biting

mama freaked out and yes i told her 

now go away

**Kasha**

Take it easy, my love.

**Gremlin Queen**

i hate you

* * *

_3:30 PM_

**Kasha**

Come and help with these buns

**Gremlin Queen**

omw

**Kasha**

Scratch that, I’ll ask Sylvie. You seem nervous even now.

**Gremlin Queen**

no no i’ll get distracted at the very least

**Kasha**

Don’t drop them Nieshka I worked on them for the last hour

**Gremlin Queen**

yes _okay_ kasha

* * *

_4:40 PM_

**Gremlin Queen**

should i change

i should right

theres twenty minutes left i should do it

hes the kind of ass who wouldn’t even be late would he

**Kasha**

Be careful then

Try to just sit still at the corner table near the cash counter

I want to be able to hear what you guys are talking about

**Gremlin Queen**

got it

* * *

_4:56 PM_

**Kasha**

Stop biting your nails!!!!!!!!

**Gremlin Queen**

FINE

BUT I HATE YOU

ALSO GO AWAY

HE’S HERE

**Kasha**

GOOD LUCK!!!!

HOPE HE ISN’T HERE TO LODGE A FORMAL COMPLAINT AGAINST YOUR ZHUREK

ALSO YOU PROBABLY AREN’T SEEING THIS BUT HE LOOKS VERY SHARPLY DRESSED

Also smh Agnieszka how do you already have that giant chocolate stain I don’t understand

And that’s the blouse I got you for your birthday too

* * *

_5:15 PM_

**Sylvie**

Is that new civil officer here?

**Kasia**

Yea

Wait how’d you know about it

**Sylvie**

Dad told me he was coming to meet Nieshka

Do you know why he’s here?

**Kasia**

No idea, Sylvie, no idea

Its been freaking Nieshka out since morning

I’m trying to listen in

**Sylvie**

Omg! Espionage

I love it

**Kasia**

Don’t you have something better to do XD

**Sylvie**

I’m supposed to get married soon Kasia, please let me have some fun

Plus that guy is hot

**Kasia**

That’s what I said!!! Nieshka said no

**Sylvie**

Nieshka has no taste

Anyway what are they saying

**Kasia**

So I just served them coffee, and it’s kind of painful to see Nieshka make pleasantries with this man not lying

He makes her very nervous for some reason

I’m eavesdropping stay tuned

“So is this because of the zhurek because I promise I put only one chilly in it I didn’t know you don’t like chillies.” - Nieshka

**Sylvie**

OMG

**Kasia**

He has a nasty look on his face that says he wasn’t even thinking about the zhurek but maybe he is now

**Sylvie**

Im going to laugh while having my tea Kasia

**Kasia**

Well you’re the only one here I can tell!!!

He says no he has something of far more import to discuss than local soups

Nieshka is demanding to know what he wants then and she really ought to tone it down he seems to be grimacing

Um

**Sylvie**

What happened?!

KASIA!?

_Seen at 4:22 PM_

OMG

WHERE DID YOU GO

WHAT HAPPENED

**Kasia**

Um

**Sylvie**

HEY!! What did he SAY

**Kasia**

He said Agnieszka has magic

_Sylvie is typing…_

_Sylvie is typing…_

_Sylvie is typing…_

**Sylvie**

Uh

**Kasia**

Yeah

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hehehe i hope you guys are having fun!!!


	4. Friday Evening, October Fifth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a note about my update schedule: since the chapter sizes are so small, i am going to publish whenever i am four chapters ahead of you guys. I know this is more chaotic than i have ever been, but I feel like there's a lot of momentum in this since the chapter sizes are tiny. Chapters will end up getting published every two days or so. 
> 
> Also all typos are intentional!! 
> 
> Lastly, italicised and underlined speech is Nieshka's mother. Italicised is Agnieszka. Speech in bold is her father.

_6:02 PM_

_Mamusha is calling_

_ “Nieshka?” _

_“Did Kasia already tell you?”_

_ “No. What on earth is going on?”  _

_“She didn’t seem to have waited for me.”_

_ “Don’t be ungrateful. She only said that the meeting went badly. What did he say, Nieshka?”  _

_“He said I have magic, Mama. What do you want me to tell you?”_

_ “… Oh.” _

_“Yeah.”_

_ “Well, what does that mean?”  _

_“It means I get to go live a fairytale without any of the benefits.”_

_ “Stop making jokes, Nieshka.” _

_“Fine. It means I have to go train with him.”_

_ “At his tower?”  _

_“Yes.”_

_ “Do you get a choice?”  _

_“No, it’s mandatory by the government. I can either train through him or go to Kralia.”_

_ “This doesn’t sound very… optimum. But it’s a great opportunity for you, sweetheart!” _

_“I didn’t ask for it. I don’t care for magic, I like my life without it. And I don’t like him.”_

_ “Be kinder, Nieshka.” _

_“I don’t want to.”_

_ “What has Kasia said?”  _

_“‘Make sure he pays you.’”_

_ “She’s not wrong.” _

_“I asked for my current salary plus twenty percent.”_

_ “Good girl. Did he agree?”  _

_“He said the government doesn’t pay village idiots for the simple duty of training, but I refused to learn magic without getting some funding since I’m supposed to be giving up my job.”_

_ “And?”  _

_“He said fine, he’d pay out of pocket, but I’d have to work at the tower then.”_

_ “Doing what?”  _

_“Cleaning… cooking, I think. Honestly this is all giving the strongest medieval vibe I have ever seen. What am I, his apprentice?_ ”

_ “Do you get off days or anything?”  _

_“Not… really. I don’t think it’s clear.”_

_ “That doesn’t sound so good.” _

_“You’re telling me? It’s like this_ dragon _is taking me to his tower to trap me for an unspecified amount of time.”_

_ “Nieshka, really.” _

_“Tell me it doesn’t sound like that.”_

_ “It is very unusual. But I don’t see a work around. He’s right, laws around magical training are very strict. I think he’d be nice and try to forget that you have magic, but what then, Nieshka? Your father and I can’t afford to send you away for training, and we won’t find anyone close by.” _

_“I know. I know. I’m not saying no, I’m just miserable, Mamusha.”_

_ “Oh, baby. Come home and bring Kasia. We’ll cook and everything. When do you have to leave?” _

_“Tomorrow morning, Ma.”_

_ “Then I’d best cook fast.” _

_“I love you. See you soon.”_

* * *

_6:20 PM_

**Another Woman Lost to Marriage**

So is it true

**Gremlin Queen**

whats up sylvie

**Another Woman Lost to Marriage**

Is it true? Kasia said you had magic

**Gremlin Queen**

has kasia just told everyone

yes its true

**Another Woman Lost to Marriage**

Well to be fair I think that would be my father

He told Danka and its just spread

**Gremlin Queen**

by the great hanna

if you gossips could get it together

**Another Woman Lost to Marriage**

Wait does this mean you won’t make it to my wedding

**Gremlin Queen**

my whole life is falling apart sylvie

ur worried about your wedding

**Another Woman Lost to Marriage**

Oh don’t be dramatic

Your life isn’t ending!! You’ll be living very fancy

I’m way more concerned about my wedding

Nieshka!! Please say you will come

**Gremlin Queen**

i dont know really as of now

i will try

sigh

**Another Woman Lost to Marriage**

What happened

**Gremlin Queen**

wow everyone is asking me that like a man in a tower didnt just decide hes going to take me away from my friends and family to teach me magic

and to think i had you saved in my phone as “another woman lost to marriage” when tragically i was the one to be lost

**Another Woman Lost to Marriage**

That’s what you have saved me as?!

Nieshka!!

Okay anyway

Don’t be sad darling

You’re not going away to Kralia

You’re only going to the tower

And that’s not far

**Gremlin Queen**

i hate that tower sylvie

remember when we were kids and we dared each other to enter the administrating officers quarters

and the one who made it to the top won

and _no one_ did because wizards are fucking _terrible_

theyre not us, sylvie, and i dont want to be them

that lady who lived before in the tower – what was her name, the raven or something

she stayed there and never came down with us

she wasn’t anyone who belonged to the village and i won’t either when hes done teaching me magic

and i’ll have to go to kralia because i have magic and negotiate stuff with the government

yeah thatll give me room to come home and eat spicy zhurek

**Another Woman Lost to Marriage**

You’re getting ahead of yourself Nieshka

You’re not going to not belong… this is your home

**Gremlin Queen**

the last time they found magic in the valley was thirty years ago and i think that woman was trained and left forever

with the green plague they need all their magicians

what do you think is going to happen to me

anyway thank you for listening

i cant tell kasia all this tbh

shes not going to,,, get it

**Another Woman Lost to Marriage**

Kasia is your best friend Nieshka

**Gremlin Queen**

yea i know

but she wont

trust me

**Another Woman Lost to Marriage**

Okay

**Gremlin Queen**

anyway

**Another Woman Lost to Marriage**

You’re not missing my wedding, Agnieszka of Dvernik!

**Gremlin Queen**

hahahaha

okay

i will

i will break out of the dragon’s tower if i have to

too bad theres no knight in shining armour in this story

* * *

_7:31 PM_

_Galinda is calling_

**“How is she?”**

_ “She seems fine now. She and Kasia are chatting in her room. I gave them a bottle of wine to share. You should come home soon, I think she’d like to have her father.” _

**“Ah.”**

_ “Kasia said she looked close to yelling at the man when he told her her options. And she apparently cried after he had left.”  _

**“I’m coming.”**

* * *

_11:02 PM_

**Gremlin Queen**

hey

what time do i come to yours?

im coming after breakfast

kasia is making me pancakes

**The Dragon**

Be there before eleven if you can.

**Gremlin Queen**

roger

see ya wouldnt wanna be ya

**The Dragon**

Are you drunk?

**Gremlin Queen**

only a little

you cant blame me

im the maiden sacrifice made to the dragon to save the country

_Seen at 11:05 PM_

HA

yoo much of a coward to deny it i see

see you tomorrow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> do review! i love them!!


	5. Saturday Morning, October Sixth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ykw i wasn't going to post this chapter today because the american election had just been radiating stress for a few days. its kinda weird to take stuff like that into account as an indian, especially when a lot is happening everywhere besides america, but i thought i'll give it a rest with the atmosphere of the world feeling like it's hanging on an edge. (side note: good luck, america! i don't want to step on anyone's emotions from the outside, especially while you're in the middle of it.) 
> 
> BUT THEN 
> 
> DESTIEL BECAME CANON??? AND EVERYONE COLLECTIVELY LOST IT???? SO I GUESS ANYTHING GOES THIS YEAR HUH????? 
> 
> and my exact thought process while publishing this chapter was. well if everyone's shitposting i can post my chapter, since this story is a living breathing shitpost. enjoy!!!!!!!!!!

10:00 AM

**Kasha**

Text when you reach

**Gremlin Queen**

reached

_Message not delivered_

fuck is there no signal?????

_Message not delivered_

are you for real

_Message not delivered_

oh im going to kill someone

_Message not delivered_

* * *

10:17 AM

**Gremlin Queen**

UGH

_Message not delivered_

i am going to kill this man

_Message not delivered_

how did he end up in the one spot in the whole valley where there are NO BARS

_Message not delivered_

kasha i miss you

_Message not delivered_

* * *

11:03 AM

**Gremlin Queen**

he hasnt taken me to my room yet

_Message not delivered_

am i supposed to camp out on his living room or something

_Message not delivered_

its an ugly living room, too.

_Message not delivered_

does he EAT books

_Message not delivered_

also his sofa looks like it came straight from edgar allan poes living room

_Message not delivered_

im at the peak of my humour and the messages are not delivering

_Message not delivered_

theres,,,,,, a fucking writing table

_Message not delivered_

with a fucking LETTER OPENER

_Message not delivered_

kasha I AM going to cry

_Message not delivered_

who brought this man from the 19th century here

_Message not delivered_

i am begging him to go back to his era

_Message not delivered_

fuck it

_Message not delivered_

im heading out to explore

_Message not delivered_

* * *

11:13 AM

AHA i have found,,,, a fucking Laboratory

_Message not delivered_

at least it seemed to be a lab of some kind

_Message not delivered_

and ofc theres a fucking library here because thats a necessity

_Message not delivered_

not like he doesn’t have a million books in the living room

_Message not delivered_

wheres his fucking kitchen though

_Message not delivered_

maybe i missed it near the living room

_Message not delivered_

although its possible its on a lower level

_Message not delivered_

oh that’s another thing

_Message not delivered_

who has a living room on the third floor

_Message not delivered_

thats what fucking happens when you live in a fucking tower

_Message not delivered_

there was an _entrance_ hall, kasha can u fucking believe it

_Message not delivered_

i mean i remember when we were trying to break into this place we only ever made it into the entryway with the stables and what i assume were the guard rooms etc

_Message not delivered_

at least theres a fucking ancient elevator in the main courtyard

_Message not delivered_

i wish i had the bars to send you photos but rn im just hoping the messages send

_Message not delivered_

when you go through the elevator the entrance hall and living room and all are on the third floor

_Message not delivered_

the library and lab is on the fourth

_Message not delivered_

maybe my room is on the fifth idk

_Message not delivered_

i know he went to the sixth floor after saying hi to me and looking disdainfully at my pancake offering

_Message not delivered_

so maybe the floor below has kitchens and old servants quarters

_Message not delivered_

lucky its a tower on the smaller side

_Message not delivered_

ykw let me head to the second floor and see whats up

_Message not delivered_

* * *

11:25 PM

FOUND THE KITCHEN

_Message not delivered_

and the larders!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

_Message not delivered_

why does he have so much food when I have never seen him consume a single edible thing

_Message not delivered_

do you think he has it for show

_Message not delivered_

hm maybe i should cook lunch or something

_Message not delivered_

i feel very nervous

_Message not delivered_

i mean these messages aren’t delivering and im being very gung ho about him but he,,,, makes me nervous

_Message not delivered_

i dont know if i want to magic kasha i feel like im going to be very bad at it

_Message not delivered_

well anyway

_Message not delivered_

i am going to,,, start lunch

_Message not delivered_

* * *

12:45 PM

**Gremlin Queen**

i,,,, made an attempt

_Message not delivered_

i worked at a bakery this shouldn’t be so hard

_Message not delivered_

admittedly i worked with you which means i wasn’t ever needed to bat my hardest

_Message not delivered_

but still

_Message not delivered_

whatever i made some broth and pie

_Message not delivered_

i don’t think it was that bad

_Message not delivered_

heading to the library

_Message not delivered_

* * *

2:00 PM

**Gremlin Queen**

kasha

_Message not delivered_

i hate being here and i hate this and i hate magic

_Message not delivered_

im going upstairs to see if a room for me exists

_Message not delivered_

* * *

2:16 PM

**Gremlin Queen**

AHA

_Message not delivered_

theres a ROOM

_Message not delivered_

pRESUMABLY FOR ME

WAIT DID MY MESSAGE JUST DELIVER

**Kasha**

Nieshka????????????????

**Gremlin Queen**

oh thank great hanna and all the saints above it DID deliver

HELLO KASIA

**Kasha**

None of my messages delivered to you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Gremlin Queen**

yes i KNOW kasia im personally offended you werent more worried and didnt make a rescue attempt the minute you couldnt reach me

**Kasha**

GOODNESS I’d pretend to tease you back or be nonchalant but it’s just good to see you text again

**Gremlin Queen**

“goodness”?????????

is EVERYONE texting like that dragon

ykw fuck it lets do a phone call

_Calling Kasha_

“Hello?”

_“Great Hanna and Everything Holy, it is good to hear your voice.”_

“I know. It’s so weird to go the day without you.”

_“How was your day?”_

“Nothing out of the ordinary, really. The bulk order should be coming tomorrow. We’ve had fewer customers this morning, so I spent more time doing inventory. Sylvie has decided to help at the bakery with you out of commission.”

_“Wow, she stole my job very fast.”_

“Very funny, Nieshka. How was your day?”

_“Difficult.”_

“That bad?”

_“I don’t want to be here, Kasha.”_

“I… it’ll get better. You must have had a lesson in magic! That’s exciting.”

 _“I am very,_ very _bad at it. The words felt all wrong in my lips, and I couldn’t shake the feeling that if I had to cook better or knit better – I’d just… do that, instead of using magic. I honestly think it’s a mistake and someone else must have been magical, really.”_

“Maybe it’s a thing of practice.”

_“I seriously doubt it.”_

“It’ll get better, Nieshka…”

_“I hope so, Kasha. He seems to lose his temper very easily.”_

“Yeah?”

_“Yeah…”_

“You’re thinking something.”

_“I… I don’t know. He makes me very nervous, so I feel like that blinds me to the meat of what he is trying to convey. There’s something very… intent about how he teaches. I don’t know if I’ve just not had the time to make something of that.”_

“It sounds like he’s being thorough.”

_“We’ll see about that. It’s too early to tell. And I’m a very unwilling student.”_

“I hope your day starts going better.”

_“Also unlikely. But I will pray with you.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> also im really loving all your comments you guys!! thank you so much, you are the wind beneath my wings!! do review :D


	6. Saturday Morning, October Thirteenth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologise for the delay! To be honest with you guys I felt abruptly disenchanted with this story when I considered I could have set this better and more optimally for the texting format by making Sarkan and Agnieszka accidental penpals of some kind. But I think it's a bit late for that, so I am sticking to my original idea - which just feels like Uprooted + texting. Maybe I'll write the other idea some other time. 
> 
> Thank you all for your patience!!! AND CONGRATULATIONS TO AMERICANS, I hope you get a short break before jumping into battle again. Always remember that we are with you - mostly because y'all DOMINATE the international news cycle, no joke. I can say that now, right? I'm going through some pretty stressful elections in my own country and even here the news has been more obsessed with YOUR elections XD. 
> 
> Anyway hope you enjoy the chapter!!

8:05 AM

**Gremlin Queen**

one week in and i have come to the conclusion that this spot in my room is the only place you get any bars at all

i think the dragon is hoarding a better bar count in his room on the sixth floor but i have no idea how to prove it

i could snoop into his room but he might actually kill me

**Kasha**

LMAO

How are things?

**Gremlin Queen**

i,,,,,, fine

we’re fine

its all good its all fine

**Kasha**

What’s up, Nieshka XD

**Gremlin Queen**

the tower is large and lonely, and i spent a lot of time mending things and cooking and cleaning i guess

and then he calls me for lessons and its always awful

idk what he is trying to teach me but this magic business is the most draining thing in existence

he STILL talks like hes a time traveller displaced from 1856 into this world

and i swear to god i have not seen him out of a suit and a tie

like, always

its always a suit and a tie

**Kasha**

Are things better between you both?

**Gremlin Queen**

i think i am fundamentally offensive to him

i dipped my little finger into some jam i made and he looked so horrified i think i gave him an aneurysm

**Kasha**

Nieshka are you just saying these things to make me laugh XD

**Gremlin Queen**

its the only joy left in my life Kasha

everything is stupid but at least i can get you to laugh

**Kasha**

Ugh I miss you

**Gremlin Queen**

i miss you too

ive never had to be far away enough from you to actually feel like being soft with you

but goddamn if i am not going to be soft when i haven’t seen you in a week

**Kasha**

I hope you are scandalising him as much as you say you are

I will be very offended if you aren’t

I am having the time of my life imagining his expression

Especially since he’s so formidable otherwise

**Gremlin Queen**

well he’s formidable to me too

i can just make better jokes about it

maybe i’ll be brave like you

maybe i’ll go exploring and pick a book or something

i’ll call you tonight?

**Kasha**

Don’t forget to scandalise him!

* * *

5:43 PM

**Gremlin Queen**

shitshitshitshitshit

SHIT

KASHA ARE YOU THERE

**Kasha**

????? Nieshka what happened?????

**Gremlin Queen**

I MAY HAVE DONE SOMETHING RIDICULOUS IN HIS LIBRARY

IT IS TOO EARLY TO TELL

**Kasha**

I –

**Gremlin Queen**

HE SEEMS TO THINK IM A SPY OF SOME SORT

BECAUSE I TRIED TO READ SOME ~~~FORBIDDEN BOOK~~~

BUT _THATS_ OKAY ITS ALL GOOD

**Kasha**

Nieshka

**Gremlin Queen**

IT’S NOT EVEN THE WORST PART

I MAY HAVE ORGANISED HIS BOOKS BY COLOUR

**Kasha**

HOW DID YOU EVEN MANAGE THAT NIESHKA

**Gremlin Queen**

IF I KNEW THAT WOULD I BE MESSAGING YOU??????

**Kasha**

How………… does one…… _unknowingly_ organise the books by colour…………….. I am begging for an explanation nieshka please

**Gremlin Queen**

IT WAS A SPELL

ANYWAY BRB HE’S COMING TO YELL AT ME SOME MORE

GOODBYE

REMEMBER WHAT I SAID ABOUT BURYING ME BY THE BRAMBLES

LOVE YOU AND MY MOTHER

AND ABSOLUTELY NO ONE ELSE, ESPECIALLY NONE OF MY BROTHERS

ALSO SYLVIE MAKE SURE YOU TELL HER I NEVER LOVED HER

* * *

6:45 PM

**Alosha (Kralia)**

I heard you got an apprentice. Congratulations!

**Sarkan**

She’s not much to speak of.

**Alosha (Kralia)**

They never are in the beginning

**Sarkan**

This one seems particularly incompetent. I always thought this valley produced good magic, but she seems incapable with cantrips

**Alosha (Kralia)**

That doesn’t say much about your skills as a teacher, Sarkan

**Sarkan**

It isn’t my fault the girl is incompetent.

**Alosha (Kralia)**

If you say so

Just to clarify

What has she done that’s so offensive to you

**Sarkan**

What are you asking?

**Alosha (Kralia)**

I can sense your temper from over here, old friend

You’re fuming over something she did

**Sarkan**

You’re pretending to be wiser than you are.

**Alosha (Kralia)**

And you’re one step away from actually screaming into your pillow

**Sarkan**

Never in my life have I felt the need to scream into a pillow, and just because an idiotic, messy, largely nonsensical girl who can’t perform a cantrip to save her life entered my life and sanctuary and organised my books by _colour –_ does not mean I am _not_ going to start now.

**Alosha (Kralia)**

There it is

Organised your books by colour?

She sounds like a riot.

Good luck, Sarkan

**Sarkan**

Oh, for the sake of all the saints.

**Alosha (Kralia)**

I’m gonna check on you in a week or so, Sarkan

Just to see how you are doing etc

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Love you all, and do review :D


	7. Saturday Night, October Twenty Seventh

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ooooof apologies for the delay everyone. I mentioned this in my other fic, but I've been very very low lately. In addition to that, as I said before, I felt randomly very disenchanted with the fic because I thought of another, way funnier possibility that was more conducive to the texting format. Some of my disenchantment was with this fic in particular, since I was getting the sense that I was packing a lot of action that is just not conducive to the texting framing device at all and I wanted to remedy that. I pulled a hard gear shift, and drastically removed a lot of action - made this far more introspective, and highlighted the texting format a lot more. 
> 
> The result will please you. It means we get to see Agnieszka and Sarkan texting early!!!!

4:56 PM

**Gremlin Queen**

HEY

where did you keep the rosemary i found!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i s2g

im gonna kill u

ALSO WHY DON’T YOU RESPOND TO MESSAGES

**The Dragon**

You call this messaging?

You’re barely speaking a language.

**Gremlin Queen**

_THAT_ YOU RESPOND TO??

whatever wheres my rosemary

are u cool with pasta for dinner im not feeling up for anything fancy

_Seen at 4:42 PM_

sarkan i swear 2 god

youre worse than my mother

at least she responds to all my messages with an ok and an excessive number of ellipses!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

can you just send me a set of ellipses to agree to pasta

it wont even ruin you “””””””””brand”””””””””

just do it

a set of elipsses

**The Dragon**

…

**Gremlin Queen**

IM TAKING IT

**The Dragon**

And in which world does that qualify as an agreement?

**Gremlin Queen**

in MINE bitch

if you RESPONDED TO MESSAGES

THEN I WONT HAVE TO PRETEND ELLIPSES THAT MY MOTHER USES ARE A LEGITIMATE FORM OF COMMUNICATION

**The Dragon**

Amazing how I can actually hear the text message shouting at me.

You infuriating girl – make whatever you like.

**Gremlin Queen**

thank u

and the rosemary?????

**The Dragon**

In the lab!

**Gremlin Queen**

oooooooooooooh an exclaimation point

someones really pissed

also i already CHECKED the lab

**The Dragon**

How brilliant of you to have thought of the lab.

Did you perhaps possess the temerity to check in the left-most cupboard, where I _keep_ the herbs?

**Gremlin Queen**

_rosemary is a SPICE_

**The Dragon**

NO

NO, it most CERTAINLY isn’t!

**Gremlin Queen**

YES IT IS SARKAN IM GOING TO KILL YOU

**The Dragon**

According to _experts –_ or, people you have never once in your life listened to – Rosemary is essentially a leaf – and even in its dry form does NOT qualify as a spice since that requires it to have a lot more essential oils from other crushed portions of plants.

**Gremlin Queen**

SARKAN I

FINE

IM TAKING MY ROSEMARY BACK WHERE IT BELONGS

ON THE SPICE RACK

**The Dragon**

NO YOU ARE NOT

**Gremlin Queen**

wow I reALLY HAVE YOU RILED UP HUH

HOW DOES THAT FEEL

**The Dragon**

One of these days I’m going to strangle you and God will not punish me.

**Gremlin Queen**

always a fucking delight speaking to u Sarkan

* * *

5:02 PM

**Vladimir (Yellow Marshes)**

Aanya wants to know if you’d like to come for dinner sometime

**Sarkan**

Perhaps not now.

**Vladimir (Yellow Marshes)**

Your valley a handful?

**Sarkan**

My apprentice is.

**Vladimir (Yellow Marshes)**

What did she do _now,_ Sarkan?

**Sarkan**

Don’t ask.

I think I might strangle the girl.

**Vladimir (Yellow Marshes)**

You’d go to jail.

* * *

5:04 PM

**The Girl**

i put the rosemary on the spice rack

so there

* * *

5:05 PM

**Sarkan**

Is jail really that bad? Our country doesn’t have capital punishment. I could risk being in jail for sometime.

**Vladimir (Yellow Marshes)**

Chances are, they’ll throw you in asylum unless you have a very good reason to kill her.

* * *

5:06 PM

**The Girl**

and do NOT,,,,,,,,,,, i mean DO NOT mess up my organisation again sarkan i will BLOW MY LID if you dont let me do the job u r paying me to do

ive also reorganised some of the dry herbs in your lab cupboard

* * *

5:07 PM

**Sarkan**

Oh I have some very good reasons.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Love you all, do review!!!


	8. Saturday Night, November Third

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im just out here having a good time. 
> 
> i was gonna publish this yesterday but i got distracted by some work!! anyway, hope you're all well, next chapter should be up in a few days!!

Delivered: 8:09 PM

To: [kasia.jankowski121@umail.com](mailto:kasia.jankowski121@umail.com)

From: [nieshkathebitch@umail.com](mailto:nieshkathebitch@umail.com)

Subject: not much, missing you

dear kasha,

did you ever think,,,,, the time would come,,,, for us to write fucking EMAILS to each other????

anyway, the business of texting and messaging is getting ridiculous in this godforsaken tower with absolutely no signal, and i have thrown my towel in. i mean, i know we were going to do a phonecall tuesday - but i miss the sense of being able to talk to you any time anywhere. im writing a fucking letter, thats how much i miss being able to talk to you whenever i like. i understand now why people say long distance relationships are difficult - imagine if we had a time gap between us along with poor signal? do you think our love would survive it? or do you think we would fade from each other, and i would dream of you on the regular - my best friend, away from me and yet mine. 

i am sorry i am being dramatic. being away from you is really doing a number on me - i miss you like i would miss a heartbeat, and its making me very cheesy. i would never even have considered writing a letter of yearning if it wasnt for the fact that i havent seen you in a month. and that's just a month, kasha. its not fair. the stupid dragon got to go the village last week, why cant i go.

in any case, i dont know why i want to talk to you so bad anyway its not like much has happened. the perks of living in an isolated tower, i suppose. as always, here is the list of things i did that managed to annoy the dragon this week: 

  1. found myself in ANOTHER situation with no clothes because i keep ruining the stupid dress making spell he has given
  2. reorganised the kitchen and apparently its wrong to just keep dry herbs hung up because they make everything messy and also rosemary is not a spice did u know
  3. btw it is also wrong to break out of the tower to go gleaning in the woods nevermind that you find good mushrooms
  4. COOKING said mushrooms because they might be actually murderous and hand us the green plague in a platter 
  5. made light of the green plague
  6. and as always just not getting magic and all its addendums



and that’s just last week.

i dont know what to tell you about magic, kasha. it sounds like something from a fairytale when all i really feel is drained by it - and im a bad, _bad_ student with an excellent teacher. thats right, i praised the dragon - hes very exasperating when he doesnt eat forest mushrooms, and he is terrifying when hes angry - but his anger... it has no bite, kasha. its only there because he is trying to teach me something he understands very well and i understand not at all - and i am not doing a very good job at learning. i think my instincts do not move with magic, they get lost somewhere else. 

if he had to take a maiden into his tower as a sacrifice, he should have taken it someone more able to fill the role. i find it difficult to be here, and i keep thinking that in this story, im just a terrible protagonist. not a crone witch not someone who is beautiful and certainly not someone who even knows how to do magic properly. if nothing else, i deserve a knight in shining armour but im not even the sort to _inspire_ bravery.

i hope things are well with you. mama has told me everything is fine every time we talk, and that da's shop has been doing very well - but you knew that before me. i dont even know the family news early anymore. 

i miss you, i love you, and i think of you all everyday. 

love, 

nieshka

* * *

8:32 PM

_The Dragon is calling_

_“Hello?”_

“Are you done moping?”

_“I wasn’t moping! You were the one who got upset over the pie I made, and I will have you know –”_

“There you go again –”

_“- that it is, actually, a lot easier to just use your hands and cook than use magic –”_

“I have no interest in what a witless, talentless witch like you thinks of magic –”

_“Oh, come on. Anyway, did you want something in particular? Because I wanted to ask if I could take some time off in two weeks –”_

“You’re going to have to hold that thought, you intolerable girl –” 

_“Who says ‘intolerable’ –”_

“For the love of – I am _begging_ you to be quiet and _listen.”_

**_“FINE.”_ **

“I have to go to Kralia tomorrow on business, do you think you can handle yourself?”

_“I’m not a child.”_

“Your treatment of the kitchen would suggest otherwise.”

_“Shut up, Sarkan – you know what, fine. I’ll keep everything so bloody sparkling, you’re going to have to let me go for Sylvie’s wedding.”_

“What?”

_“Sylvie! Borys’ daughter! She’s getting married!”_

“Why would you even dream I would know this?”

_“Because you should, they’re under your protection –”_

“Touching. And no, you can only leave if you master all the minor cantrips. You’ve barely got a handle on _five,_ and that’s after nearly a month of practice.”

_“They don’t work on me Sarkan, I’m not trying to deliberately waste your time –”_

“You could have fooled me.”

_“Hey! Hang on – fuck, did he disconnect? God, I hate him.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> love you, please review!

**Author's Note:**

> OH ALSO YOU KNOW SINCE CARREY THOUGHT SARKAN WAS A COP, HE'S NOT. HE'S A BUREAUCRAT IN THE CONTEXT OF THIS STORY. ACAB. 
> 
> Anyway do review!!!!!


End file.
